Ah, To Be Bécassine

You see, if Partini were Bécassine, she would live a simpler, less-complicated life.

For Bécassine is a simple Breton girl who is as goofy as her apron, petticoats and head piece. Partini realizes she would still get into trouble and bring humiliation upon herself, but it mightn't be much more complicated than, oh, say, breaking some eggs, or perhaps crashing an airplane or -

Oh, yes, I see. Everyone has problems. And everyone's problems seem much larger than anyone else's. Still, there are days when I feel like Bécassine and look like Partini and that is pretty much that.

Humiliation of the week: having the Mater compare and contrast my underwear with hers in mixed company. Twice. Complete with hand and finger gestures, as though she was in the World Championships of Mime or something, competing for gold.

Cloth Bag Collection

Partini was all set to write about the latest addition to her rapidly expanding selection of cloth bags when she realized that Rex Smith had inadvertently been left off the Celebrity Boyfriend list. Well, if Partini forgets, it must mean that said Boyfriend is OFF the list.

Sure enough, Partini did a quick google and Rexy is touring the Philippines. 'Nuf said.

Forget cloth bags, Partini is busy touring YouTube.

Latest Celebrity Boyfriend

Where, oh, where has Miss Partini been?

Well, she had to go off in search of a new celebrity boyfriend t0 add to the dwindling list. Luckily she found one, and has him talking about champagne bubbles on vid to prove it.

Partini is not all that fussed that not everyone on the planet is aware of his existence, but he is THE rock star of the design world (note fur coat over arm).

"You are such a Renaissance Man," she gasps, CHASING him through the maze of a crowded trade show floor. "What if you weren't doing your art, design and architecture and blowing my mind with your talents, charisma, vision and electricity?"

"Race car circuits," he responds.

(Oooooooooh, just remembering it all gets me all swoony. I'll have to finish some other time...)

State Of Mind

Alas, this is how Miss Partini feels.
Mentally, that is.

Brain Dead

Statistics on museum attendance lead to archaeological finds in yucky old sepulchres ...

I love my job. I love my job. Repeat.

I love it because I know it could be so much worse.

And it will repeat. Another session of intense insanity next month. How I long for the low grade insanity in the weeks in between.

I will go and eat some oranges now.

Not Enough Time

No one has enough time. Ever.

Partini has been consistently one hour behind for the last little while. Like the White Rabbit, but as mad as the Hatter. Feeling like the Dormouse.

However, today she received a gift. The gift of time.
Tomorrow's teacher has the flu, so Partini can have the day off school so that she can stay home and WORK all day. How's THAT for a gift!

Well, it is.

Like last week, when the server for one job was down (terribly, horribly, decidedly), she was able to work another JOB. Like THAT's a silver lining!

Well, it was.

So the moral of the story must be that if you take enough vitamins, have enough faith and work non-stop, it'll all work out.

And then somewhere along the line you'll get to go to a free screening of GREASE where they give you free popcorn and a drink.

(Groovy free clock, Partini.)

When is an Egg Cup Not an Egg Cup?

When it is a chicken shot glass, of course.

Hmm, Miss Partini had not realized the chicken theme in her life.

Not that she has time to use shot glasses or prepare chicken dishes of any kind.

No, no place for real life in her marathon of work on rugby, feminist sculpture, a new golf course and hotel resort, a restaurant full of antiques for purchase, the philosophy of running, an agriturismo on the site of an old postal station, a career in art inspired by some old pallets, a cosy wine bar (oops, already mentioned that one), door and window casings (I kid you not) and a photo exhibit about immigration ...

Brain dead. The chickens could very easily take over.

Where Does She Get These Ideas?

Why did Partini wear this matching set of Hello Kitty apron and shower to a rock climbing wall last year?

Did she think it was going to be a private rock climbing room?

Did she not realize that her fool head would be very very hot and sweaty under that mushroom of a cap? Did she not admit to herself that it did not provide adequate protection?

Why would anyone even wear an apron with a shower cap?

Why is pink plastic gingham acceptable?

Why did she carefully re-fold and re-package above items ? Was she going to re-gift or return?

Only questions, nary an answer.

Which Came First?

What did Partini learn today?

Welllllllllll, if you're on a date, and at the movies, and you happen to be wearing a black velvet jacket, be aware that any popcorn that misses your mouth and cascades down your front WILL LEAVE A TRAIL.

So you can just imagine what two hours' worth of popcorn antics looks like.

(The glass chicken in the photo is pecking at kernels of corn, in the hopes of eating it. However, being that that is frozen corn and a glass chicken, there is bound to be either a lot of conflict or the venture will go nowhere. But, that is Partini's favorite glass chicken in the world. It hails from the Rockies.)

When Inanimate Objects Make Propositions

"Hey, Miss Partini, wanna go for a walk in the woods with me?"

"Short answer: no."

"Long answer: no because obviously you're too dense to have noticed I've been glued to computers, clipboards, pens that run out, reference materials, and bad hair. All I can think about are truffles, cosy wine bars, dialect in comic theatre, neuroscience and how it is wreaking havoc on man's dreams, high-speed internet access in the countryside and wonder where in the hell Piero della Francesca really lived. And that's just the tip of a very pointy iceberg ..."

"Wait a minute - who's asking, the moose or the flask?"

Hair Grumbles

Partini wonders, "Why exactly do I own these curlers? My fool hair is curly."

Partini looks in the mirror and says, "Whoa Nelly! That is some electric hair begat of -20 degree temperatures, dry heat on the inside, and too much work to give a care."

Partini looks at the tidy curler bag above curlers live in. "I wish my head lived in that bag."

Postal Code

Today was the Best Morning After Ever.

Miss Partini realized that when the nice people at the Liquor Store ask for your postal code, it probably means that they are implying that you are the one chosen to be the recipient of some leftover bionic parts.

Miss Partini has been chosen to receive:

a bionic bum
bionic gums
a bionic elbow
some bionic skin on one leg

Miss Partini is unsure how this will all play out, but she promises to fight evil with her new parts. If the price is right.

At some point during the Best Morning After Ever, Partini realized that she was probably still over the limit.

Among other challenges today, Partini was faced with a bowl of New York Cheddar Kettle Chips.

Now it is time to pull on her favorite flannel pajamas and put an end to the recent string of challenges. After all, the parts have not come in yet.

When Partini's Not Listening

"Aaaahhhhhh," says the Eyeliner Collection, "finally it is the weekend."

"Phew," replies the Shadow Compact, "we've been waiting for some time off."

Celebrity Boyfriends

... and why they should have stuck with me:

Parker Stevenson - Well, there's no chance I would have even remotely turned into Kirstie Alley. Who's embarrassed now, eh, Frank Hardy?

Leif Garrett - Last reported arrested for sneaking onto subway without paying. And balding.

Bono - Sustainable politico, still short and married to earnest high school sweetheart. The humility he would have learned to embrace by living the life of Partini would have added height and frankly, the world might've still believed. And you wonder why I have a sunglasses problem.

Ivan Doroschuk (Men Without Hats) - Living West Coast lifestyle, paah. Partini would've done the Safety Dance till all dwarves were led out of the Eastern Townships or wherever that damn video was shot. Thank goodness I'm still in that concert footage.

Heath Ledger - Dead.

Rufus Sewell - Possibly my only chance. More research required. Perhaps our big, sometimes bulgy, eyes will one day connect.

40 Days and 40 Nights

Dutch Crunch Jalapeño and Cheddar. My favorite chips. Doesn't get much simpler than that.
But it does get more difficult. A lot more.
Lent begins today. And with it, my stomach's journey through the desert.
Already I've noticed that chewing on Vitamin C tablets comes nowhere close.

Alas.
What will not kill me will make me stronger.
Not thinner because I will eat everything else.

Or perhaps not ... I missed my mouth MAGNIFICENTLY today while trying to drink a humble glass of water. Not just the usual cheek collision, either, no-sirree-Bob. Why the hell was I throwing the water at my mouth, like some sort of deranged carnival game?

Result: wet self + wet floor= thirsty Partini.

Silver lining: thank goodness it was just water I was flinging about.

Fat Tuesday

Oh, for goodness' sake, they're Mardi Gras beads. Scores of them!
No, no, not at all from N'Orleans - although, come to think of it, Maid of Orleans is always with me when I add to my collection.

(Oh, fine, I confess - NOT scores, only 27. But all procured from various food and drink events around town over the years. Gosh, how much and drink have I consumed to have that many cheap, shiny baubles? Best not to answer that one. A little mystery is good.)

The thing is, despite slaving in the kitchen for hours and creating a hellACIOUS mess simply to stuff myself with filled pancakes, there's still a load'o'lard in the larder.

Why would Partini have such an extensive lard collection in her fridge? Any ideas? Oh, forget explanations, she can't eat those - what should she DO with it all?

" Out, Out, Damned ..."

Partini is an observer.

She prefers to take a seat at the back of a room, knowing that it's all about vantage point. Airport lounges, classrooms, workshops - she needs space. Once installed, she sits back and takes it all in.

Or so she thought.

The subconscious is quite the player. Partini thought that viewing the panorama gave her the utmost in control.

But, no.
No control whatsoever, as it turns out.

Partini sits at the back so that no one has to set eyes on the GIANT knots in her damn hair.